BEST BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN

BEST NON-EXISTENT BOOKS

This lens is devoted to creating an awareness of a little known topic, "the best books never written".

Why non-existent books? Well, the short answer is, why not?

Since the world's awash in balderdash maybe it's high time we paid tribute to tengential topics such as trumped-up tomes and tiny tomes without homes.

ON THE SUBJECT OF BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN

According to Google, there are 2,700 web pages devoted to the topic of "books never written".

This is a rather astounding issue of import given the fact that these books do not even exist.

It is helpful to note however that there are several things to help the reader of non-books wade through this particular portion of the literary landscape.

The following simple classification of unwritten books may prove beneficial to bunkum bookworms:

1. Books never written (often the authors remain anonymous, behind closed doors, or in the closet).

2. Odd non-existent books (often penned by potty punists).

3. Books never written but mentioned in real world fiction books (by noted writers such as Francois Rabelais, P.G. Wodehouse, Douglas Adams, Umberto Eco, Edward Gorey among others).

4. Books never written but cataloged as "lost" by a collector of Great Books That Should Have Been Written But Never Were (by Tad Tuleja).

5. Books that do not yet exist in reality (but maintain that status of a quasi-active lifeform in someone's very vivid imagination if given the opportunity).

BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN BUT APPEARING IN FICTION BOOKS

A rather fine list of books never written but mentioned in real world fiction books.

On the Use of Mirrors in the Game of Chess
The Case of the Poisoned Doughnut
Well That About Wraps It Up For God
The Toothpaste Murder
The Toastrack Enigma
The Secret Goldfish
The Gospel From Outer Space
The Doubtful Asphodel
Quidditch Through The Ages
A Velvet Trench
The Abominations of Plunkettsburg & Other Tales
Venus On The Half Shell
Augustus Whiffle, On the Care of the Pig
First Encyclopedia of Tlon
The Egg Layed Twice
It's The Queen of Darkness
The Unstrung Harp
A General History of Labyrinths
'De Nasis' a treatise on noses, and hobby-horsical Uncle Toby of 'A (short) List of the Virtues of the Widow Wadman'
Leather Clothes in the History of Man
Where God Went Wrong
The Mystery of the Pink Crayfish
A Moral Dustbin
The Land Downstairs
The Gentleman Farmer's Gentle Almanac
Practical Book of Bee Culture, With Some Observations Upon The Segregation of the Queen
The Sinister Secretary Strikes
The Noble Sport of Warlocks
Stupid Noises By Celestine Monks
The Prismatic Bezel
Thoughts on the Prevention of Diseases Most Usual Among Seamen
Aunts & Other Tyrants in the English Peerage
Childean Roots in the Ancient Cornish Language
Now It Can Be Told
The Law's Codpiece
Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tabaccos
Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes
Murder in Mauve
Mad Trist
Who Is This God Person Anyway?

'MAN'AGEMENT 'MAN'USCRIPTS THAT'LL NEVER APPEAR IN PRINT

Can you imagine a Head Honcho or a Big Cheese reading MANagement MANuscripts with titles like:

Why Boring Men Don't Get the Corner Office?

50 Ways You Can Shine Like a Woman in the Boardroom!

How to Show Your Curves at Work and Still Win Like a Man at Home!

Mentoring Made Easy For Misanthropes, Mysogynists, and Miscreants

The Male Munchkin Dilemma: How to Be Sharp, Sexy and Tough At Home & At Work

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS AUTHOR

ODD TITLES AND ODD AUTHORS that rarely see the light of day, (in other words, PATHETIC PUNS that thankfully never appear in paperback).

"The Way of the Ninja" by No One
"Everyone Hates Me" by Perry Noid
"Kids Will Be Kids" by Nan E. Goat
"Improving Your Memory" by Ben Thair and Don Thatt
"The Way the Cookie Crumbles" Mac R. Roon
"Making Mistakes" by U. Bluette
"Really Slow Computers" by Betty Bye A. Nu Juan
"The Key To Understanding" by Wish I. Newitt
"I Fell Off Mount Everest" by Eileen Dover
"The Haunted Manor" by Hugo First
"How To Stop Crime" by Lauren Order
"Playing String Instruments" by Mando Lynn
"The French Chef" by Sue Flay

NOT-BOOKS TAKE THE CAKE!

For those who truly lack imagination, (you know, the ones with brilliantly blank-looks on their faces a good deal of the time), there's only one birthday or holiday gift worth purchasing -- a 100% guaranteed "NOT-BOOKS".

"NOT BOOKS" (often referred to as "blank books") come in all shapes and sizes.

Let's face it, filling in the blanks can be fun, especially for those with difficulty connecting the dots.

AbeBooks.com, the largest online market for new, used, rare, and out-of-print books, (whose tagline is "If you can't find it here, it doesn't exist"), really do stand behind their new category of noteworthy niche items called "NOT BOOKS".

In fact, they're showcasing several popular blank book gems as Making Marriage Work by Henry VIII, Whoops I Was Wrong by G.W. Bush and Chicken or Beef? The World's Best-Loved Airline Recipes as the focal point of their tenth anniversary celebrations.

So, next time you're feeling bored in a bookstore and can't figure out what to do, don't forget to browse the "blank book" shelf. You never know what you may find between the pages of a blankety blank bit of bumpf.

And if you're really stuck, you can always pick up a copy of The Blank Book - A Series of Unfortunate Events Journal by Lemony Snicket (author) and Brett Hellquist (illustrator).

BOOK CATEGORIES FOR THE UNCATEGORIZABLE

The Interstitial Library Circulating Collection offers an interesting sample of odd, one-of-a-kind book categories for odd, one-of-a-kind books naturally.

Books that from a long way off resemble flies.
Those from which one page, the only important one, has been torn out.
Those in which love letters have been folded.
Plaigerized books.
Fictional books.
Those that smell of your father's feet.
Those that hurt your eyes.
Living ones.
Those that nobody has ever read.
Those that have just been burned, and hang as smoke in the air.
Those that are too small to see.
Those that are too heavy to lift.
Those containing a single blond hair between page 161 and 162.
Those the right size to prop up the wobbly table.
Those that have not been opened in fifty years.
Those written in imaginary languages.
Those whose centres have been sawed out to hide jewels, heroin or money.
Those that have killed.
Those whose marginalia are more interesting than their text.
In flight.
Those that when closed say something different than when open.
Those written only in words that can be taught to a Labrador Retriever of average intelligence.
Those stained by the blood of famous men.
Those stained by notable meals.
Those stained in love.
Those that have been chewed by children or dogs.
Those in which living creatures dwell.
Those that have stopped a bullet headed for the heart.
Those that have not yet been written.
Those that will never be written.
Those that have been written, and destroyed by the author.
Those entirely comprised of the blank spaces in other books.
Those devoted to describing those books.
Those devoted to describing this catalogue.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF AN INCOMPLETELEY SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR

Famous last words of an incompletely successful author, witless witch, born-again New Age Hot Foot powder practitioner, and ardent admirer of the Saint of Lost Socks:

I used to have a broom handle on life, but it broke.

A RIPSNORTING RESOURCE OF RIFF-RAFF

The following is an eclectic, eccentric and ecstatic link list for lovers of bizarre books, those never written, not to mention a ludicrous life well lived etc. etc.

The Interstitial Library, Circulating Collection: The Interstitial Library, Circulating Collection has no fixed address as its holdings (usually those that seem to slip through the cracks of most institutions), are "dispersed through private collections, used bookstores, other libraries, thrift stores, garbage dumps, attics, garages, hollow trees, sunken ships, the bottom desk-drawers of writers, the imaginations of non-writers, the pages of other books, the possible future and the inaccessible past."
Verbotomy: "Verbotomy" is a really neat new place on the web where people who love to make new words from pictures can play.
PseudoDictionary: "Pseudo Dictionary" is a curious compendium of live words that one is not likely to find in a politically-correct dictionary.
Quipping Queen: "Quipping Queen" is a dazzling destination for those who adore off-the-wall, off-the-beaten-track, and often rather odd snippets about life, the universe, and everything in between.
Double-Tonged Word Wrester: "DTWW" is a growing lexicon of fringe English focusing on slang, jargon and other niche categories which include new, foreign, hybrid, archaic, obsolete, and rare words.
The Creative Loafing Institute: "The Creative Loafing Institute" caters to the aspirations and needs of a neglected niche of society, leisure-challenged lollgaggers with oodles of time on their hands and a wish to engage their inner imp or mirth-inclined munchkin in something serendipitous or spunky for a change.
Urban Dictionary: "Urban Dictionary" is super slang dictionary where you can define your world whatever way you want!
The Great Big Giggle Guide: "The Great Big Giggle Guide" is a sample of silly stuff designed to tickle your funny bone and warm the cockles of your heart in no particular order.
Manic D Press: "Manic D Press" is an odd online bookstore catering to those who are looking for things to read while lying on a couch, heading to work on a bus, or happily ensconced in the confines of one's throne room.
Bizarre Bookstore: A ripsnorting repository of unusually titled books, rarely seen, rarely reviewed, and in all probability rarely read.
Arty Bees Cabinet of Curious Bibliophilia: A curious collection of "I can't believe there's a book about that!" (also described as potty potpourri, obscure ogglings, and puckish pop-ups for people with singularly quirky interests.
Bizarre Book Nook: The perfect place to hang out for those who've gone a tad bonkers.
Lost Words: Every book never written probably has a few lost words that haven't appeared on the page yet, and here's a wonderful compendium of those cute cognomens.
Unbook Covers: A collection of book covers for imaginary, unpublished books by Scott E. Franson.
Unbooks, Unstories & Unlibraries: A highly under-rated, uninspiring, assortment of unmistakably useless, free-content entities that anyone can edit.
Comics That Don't Exist: A comprehensive list of comics that have never seen the light of day.
Speculative Reviews - Part I: Speculative Reviews of Imaginary Books - Part I.
Speculative Reviews - Part II: Speculative Reviews of Imaginary Books - Part II.
Fictional Books: A light-hearted list of fictional books.
Wordorium: A great spot to find words that haven't appeared in the dictionary yet.
BS and Balderdash: The best source of baloney, blarney, and bull.
Church of Chortle: When you're at a loss for words...try this one!
Best Books Never Written in 2004: From the archives of one feline's antiquated non-book shelf.
A Euro-View of Never Written Books: These books never made it into print, see why.
A Non-Existent Book Lover's Collection: 175 books you'll never see in the library!
Quirky Quiz: Can you guess which books were never written but nevertheless written about?
Useless Uncyclopedia: For those who love collecting neither here nor there, non-existent, non-entities that never quite made it into a big book.
Wretched Writers Welcome: The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest -- for some onerous one-line openings to some very nutty non-existent novels!
Headlines You'll Never See: No, they're not written in invisible ink!
Foreward for the Yet Unwritten Book "Leah is A Delicate....": Foreward for the Yet Unwritten Book entitled, "Leah Is A Delicate F*#%ing Flower By An Emotionally Unstable Person With Rage Issues", by Susan Morton.
Unwritten Books From Canada: Rare finds on any bookshelf.
Cult of the Unwritten Book: Warning: Be prepared for hidden things in snow globes.
Opening Lines of Unwritten Books: A collection of erased, much less, unwritten books.
Wanted: An Index To An Unwritten Book: Should this be of interest, please respond to the Rogue Semiotician.
Poem: The Unwritten Books: A rather interesting gem penned in 1919.
Publisher Sues Rock Star For Unwritten Book: Hmm...perhaps some things are better left unsaid and undone.
Musings of A Misplaced Manuscript Man: The book that might have been but never was.
Seeking Reviews of Books Unwritten: Be the ONLY reviewer of the greatest book NEVER written!
Reviews of "The Book of Lost Books": Reviews of Stuart Kelly's 2005 classic, "The Book of Lost Books - An Incomplete History of All the Great Books You'll Never Read"...ho hum tiddly pum...
Books They Should Never Publish (But Probably Will): Twelve tongue-tied tomes you will probably never see on a bookshelf.
The Art of Not Writing Books: A BBC News feature about imaginary novels and incredible stories that will probably never be written.
Prefaces (For Unwritten Books): An interesting anecdote about S.ren Kierkegaard and his foray into the fascinating field of unwritten books.
Unwritten and Lost Books: A few fleeting factoids about unwritten books, entirely fictious manuscripts and those lost never to be found.
Droll Dictionaries: For those with a funnybone and fingers that don't mind flipping through random pages of very odd dictionaries.
Giddy-Up & Google: This is a handy tool for those who are trying to get a joint writing project off the ground and need a platform to play in.
Write That Damn Story!: If you have a story to tell, for Pete's sake put it down on paper so we can see it!!
Procrastination-Destination: Excuses, excuses, excuses ...why your book is never written, and ways to get you back on track!
Serendipitous Surfing: Whether you've got writer's block or are bored out of your gourd, try "Banana Slug" ...it's a super search tool that's bound to come up with something intriguing, if not a tad off-the-beaten track!
Lesser Known Proof-Reading Marks: So, just in case you do manage to scribble something off to an editor, you might find these saucy squiggles in the margin.
A Guide to Literary Accessories: All the fluff you'll need to fill in the blanks.
A Guide to Literary Footwear: A visual aid to wade through the heavy load of ludicrous literary pretensions.
A Weird Book With An Unfinished Story Inside: "Noisy Outlaws, Unfriendly Blobs and Some Other Things" is a book you probably can't adequately categorize because of odd contributions like: 'One Other Story We Couldn't Quite Finish, So Maybe You Could Help Us Out'.
Why You Should Avoid Talking About an Unfinished Novel: The short answer is to avoid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from wet-blankets!
UNBOOKS - AUTHOR OF THE MONTH: The very best "Unbook Collection" on the Net!

UNWRITTEN BOOKS & LITTLE KNOWN WORKS

All you ever wanted to know about books that have never been written.

The Stuff of Stories : Clues to a Lot of Unwritten Books

by Donald L. Weismann

Amazon Price: (as of 10/13/2008)

The Unwritten Books of Thalk and Wink

by Michael Coffel

Amazon Price: $28.00 (as of 10/13/2008)

Do Not Open This Book

by Michaela Muntean

Amazon Price: $11.55 (as of 10/13/2008)

Hey Look...I Made a Book!

by Betty Doty, Rebecca Meredith

Amazon Price: (as of 10/13/2008)

Gorey Rare 2007 Engagement Calendar: Thirty-Two Little-Known Works by Edward Gorey

Amazon Price: (as of 10/13/2008)

ALL ABOUT THE INVISIBLE LIBRARY & INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE WHO NEVER EXISTED

The Invisible Library is a collection of books that only appear in other books. Within the library's collection you will find imaginary books, pseudobiblia, artifictions, fabled tomes, libris phantastica, and all manner of books unwritten, unread, unpublished and unfound.

For example, the library highlights three humorous titled hidden books appearing in novels by Stephen King:

The Revenge of Hard Ass Logan by Gordon LaChance (Different Seasons)

Everybody Drops the Dime by Morton Rainey (Four Past Midnight)

Purple Daze by Thad Beaumont (The Dark Half)

And not to be forgotten is the work of Stanislaw Lem who has written many reviews of non-existent books, most noteworthy among them:

-- A perfect Vacuum
-- Imaginary Magnitude
-- One Human Minute

And speaking of balderdash and books, here's one you should pick up soon before it gets covered in dustmites: Nonsense Novels by Stephen Leacock. And keep your eyes open for all those colorful characters between the sheets including Captain Bilge, Countess of Dashleigh, Isolde the Slender, Guido the Gimlet, Hezekiah Hayloft, Lord Nosh, and Tancred the Tenspot.

For those who can't get enough of books that never existed, why not try influential people who never set foot on planet earth. Besides the "Big Guy in the Sky" (whom few have seen), authors Dan Karlan, Allan Lazar, and Jeremy Salter, provide some interesting insight into "The 101 Most Influential People Who Never Lived: How Characters of Fiction, Myth, Legends, Television, and Movies Have Shaped Our Society, Changed Our Behavior, and Set the Course of History". Would you believe that Darth Vader, Charlie Brown, and Mr. Whipple didn't make the list?

SPEAKING OF ODD BOOKS...

Here is a new category of writing, the "dancing book", which appeared in the movie "War of Roses" starring Danny DeVito and Michael Douglas.

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WHO WOULD READ AN "EMPTY BOOK"?

There are many curious things in this world that might capture your attention.

All of which brings me to the subject of the "empty book". Would you read one?

Well Amazon.com lists several mind-bogglers (those with noticeably non-living, deleriously deadpan or otherwise uninspiring contents) designed to tweak even dullest imagination: The Empty Book by Josefina Vicens and David Lauer, and Rain Sploosh: An Empty Book by Merilyn Read.

If these little lovelies leave you a sense of ennui or lack of elan, perhaps learning how to make handmade covers for empty books might be more to your liking.

So toss your troubles away and while you're at why not pick up a copy of More Making Books By Hand: Exploring Miniature Books, Alternative Structures, and Found Objects by Peter and Donna Thomas, you'll be glad you did!

ODD NEVER WRITTEN BOOK TITLES

Chris Ridell, literary cartoonist at the London Observer has a marvellous series of spoofy titles and illustrations for "Unwritten Books" including:

The Da Vinci Cod

Wuthering Tights

To Grill a Mocking Bird

The Heart of Dorkness

BAFFLING BOOKS FOR THE BEWILDERED & BORED

A number titillating tomes do not appear on shelves, leaving some wondering what to do with their brand new book ends.

These include:

-- Frederick Rolfe's "Reviews of Unwritten Books"(with unknown binding), listed by Amazon.com

-- A Book Never Written: "How to Keep the Bugs Away": An Article from: Boy's Life, listed by Amazon.com

-- A Book Never Written: "How to Plumb Your House": An Article from: Boy's Life, listed by Amazon.com

-- A Perfect Vacuum, by Stanislaw Lem purports to be an anthology of critiques on books never written.

-- Investigations on the Writings of Herbert Quaine by Jorge Luis Borges, yet another review of non-existent books.

So, before delving deeply into the dilemma of whether one should casually leaf through the books in someone else's library for a copy of these books, or timidly ask where to find a copy of these unwritten books from the gatekeeper of literature for lollygaggers at one's local public library, it might be wise to pick up a pocketbook on ways to handle polite perturbations: Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior: Freshly Updated by Judith Martin.

BRAIN CANDY FOR BOOKWORMS

Brain candy for bookworms who bored out of their gourds.

Share your knowledge. Make a difference.

BEST BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN

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BEST NON-EXISTENT BOOKS

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ON THE SUBJECT OF BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN

BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN BUT APPEARING IN FICTION BOOKS

'MAN'AGEMENT 'MAN'USCRIPTS THAT'LL NEVER APPEAR IN PRINT

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS AUTHOR

NOT-BOOKS TAKE THE CAKE!

BOOK CATEGORIES FOR THE UNCATEGORIZABLE

FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF AN INCOMPLETELEY SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR

A RIPSNORTING RESOURCE OF RIFF-RAFF

UNWRITTEN BOOKS & LITTLE KNOWN WORKS

ALL ABOUT THE INVISIBLE LIBRARY & INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE WHO NEVER EXISTED

SPEAKING OF ODD BOOKS...

WHO WOULD READ AN "EMPTY BOOK"?

ODD NEVER WRITTEN BOOK TITLES

BAFFLING BOOKS FOR THE BEWILDERED & BORED

BRAIN CANDY FOR BOOKWORMS

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UNUSUAL UNBOOKS

BABBLE, BURBLE, AND BALDERDASH

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LONG-AWAITED LIFE IN PROGRESS

BATTY BOOKMARKS FOR BIRDBRAINS OR BLATANTLY BORING FOLKS

TANTALIZING TIDBITS FOR THE TOMELESS

NUTTY NON-EXISTENT NOVELS

VISITORS TO THE VACUOUS VAULT OF VACANT VOLUMES

by quippingqueen

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