THE GREAT BIG GIGGLE GUIDE

A 1001 Ways To Tickle Yourself Pink!

Tired of draining swamps, duelling dragons, and dodging the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

Take a break; join the Wonderful World of Wit & Wonk! After all, laughter's the best medicine for what ails you and, this is one chortle portal with your name on it.

Ever wanted to visit some odd or off-the-beaten track places, buy a few boisterous books for your boudoir or bathroom, grab some grapes that make you gurgle or giggle, or maybe try on some titillating togs that will keep you in stitches?

Then you've definitely come to the right spot. So hang on for a hiliarious bit of hoopla designed to max out your merriment card!

New The Onion, Daily

Historical Archives: Opera Lyrics Blamed For Recent Spate Of Regicides
Historical Archives: M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A Tyranny Of Words
Historical Archives: Benedict Arnold Is A Modern Day's Anthony Babington
Historical Archives: Great God, The Stenche
Historical Archives: New Daily News, Paper Makes Mockery Of Seven-Day News Cycle

New GapingVoid Cartoons

THE GIGGLE & GUFFAW GALLERY

Will you look at who came off Noah's Ark!

NATIONAL DOGHOUSE DAY - FEB. 14TH by The Quipping Queen

Diva of the Doghouse!

A BAH HUMBUG SOLUTION? by The Quipping Queen

Trouble...what trouble?

LAFFAPOTAMUS HERE...YOU CALLED? by The Quipping Queen

A Laffapotamus!

Wipe that smirk off your face!

SMART MULE SEEKS DUMB OWL by The Quipping Queen

Meek Miserable Mule seeks...

BEWARE OF PARTY POOPERS! by The Quipping Queen

Sad Sack & Party Pooper

What are you gawking at?!

IS THERE AN EAGER BEAVER ON THE LOOSE? by The Quipping Queen

Call me Eager Beaver!

It's Madam Butterfly!

Tickled pink to meet you.

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WORDORIUM

A vault of very vacuous verbiage.

A titillating tome of twitisms, affectionately known as "The Big Book of Bunkum".

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THE QUIPPING QUEEN

Life in the Queendom of Quaffers, Quippers, and Quiduncs

You'll never be bored with this crazy caboodle of courtiers including the Duchess of Dither, the Earl of Craboon, Theolonius McTavish, Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., and Patience Pantperhog...to name a few.

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CREATIVE LOAFING INSTITUTE

Where leisure-oriented lollygaggers hang out naturally.

For those who can't find "Cloud 54", this spot is a suberb substitute, especially if you can't find one with a silver lining.

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Words That Need to See the Light of Day

Stuck for weird or wise words to impress your friends, bosses or lovers?

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Boisterous Books Every Library Should Have

How come I never learned this school?

Why don't libraries have more books on the absurd, the bizarre, or heaven forbid...the far-out things in life?

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MIRTHFUL MUSING

"In comedy as in politics, absurdity is not a handicap."

1001 Uses For Silly Putty

Silly Putty Saves the Day!

Clueless ways to solve real problems with useless things.

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FOR THOSE WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS!

And Very Short Attention Spans...

If you can't count but can connect some dots, if you can't spell but can operate a mouse, and if you can't sit still but can snicker, smile or snort ...then you'll enjoy these sites of solace and serendipity.

VERBOTOMY: For wonky wordbirds who adore creating captions for crazy cartoons.
WORDLAB: Need a name for your new product, school team, band, or perhaps a titter tagline for that special spot you want to promote?
CARICATURE FUN: For those who can't get enough "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" - drop Dean a line - he'll give you a posh profile!
DESPAIR DOT COM: For do-it-yourselfers who are dying for more ditties to deflect their depressing dispositions, there's always the online sassy snicker shop, aptly called, "Despair" what else!
DROODLES: "Droodles" - fitness for fanciful fingers and idle minds!
WORLD OF WACKY WINES: A treasury of titillating tidbits for tongue-in-cheek whine on the vine enthusiasts!
THE PONDERING POOL: Mavens of mirth and men of merriment are cordially invited to drop by a quirky corner affectionally called the "Pondering Pool".
SASSY BITES: For merry moods and attitude ware, try this site on for size!
SILLY PUTTY STUFF: Stop the World I Want To Get Off! ...and play with my taffy-like toy that bounces like rubber if you please!
NUTTY NAMES NOOK: For those who want to create their own wacky and witticims for things, (with help from an online oread of course).
THE CHURCH OF CHORTLE: When the world's going to heck in a handbasket it's nice to know that there's a great place to walk on water if you don't like skating on thin ice!
LOOPY LEADERSHIP: Ever wanted to be "Head Honcho", "Numero Uno", or "Queen Bee"...well here's your how-to-manual!
PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD: A great place to practice laughing and lapping it up!
GIGGLE DAM DINING: A gastronomical giggle experience!
UM THINGS: For history buffs and bozos who need a nifty new wardrobe to impress their family, friends & boss.
LIPPY LINGO: Here's some loose-tongue lingo for politically-correct pucksters out there!
BANISH BOREDOM: Time to banish the blues with a bit of buffoonery!
PATENTLY SILLY: Inventions...the oddest ones you'll ever see!
HO HO HO HOPS!: Popular stocking stuffers: "Bad Elf", "Santa's Butt", and "Rudolph's Revenge"!
GRAND GRINCH SITE: Ever wanted to know all about what makes the Grinch Who Stole Christmas such a great guy?
BIZARRE BOOKS: Welcome additions to the batty-inclined book nook.
BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN: The best news source for "empty books", "non-books", and "books never written".
LAUGH IT UP LINE OF CARDS: For those who can't get enough yuk yuks!
LAUGHINGSTOCK: Laugh so hard you cry with improv!
DASHING DOODLERS WANTED!: 1,500 amateur artistes (and dashing doodlers) needed to contribute to a public art project called the "Shapetionary"!
FUNNY PLACE NAMES: A treasury of titillating town names - they're for real!
HERE PIGGY PIGGY: Why aren't you celebrating the "Year of the Golden Pig" pray tell?
DRIBBLE GLASS: There's nothing like drinking deeply from the Dribble Glass of Life!
100% SPOOF: Bring on the spoof!
BS & BALDERDASH: A large collection of BS, Bilge, and Bull.
ALL ABOUT "42": A nice tribute to Douglas Adams!
FUNNY WEBSITES: A compendium of things to cackle and crow about!
WONKY WORDS FOR SECURITY: The source for all those Squidoo security words!
PEARLS BEFORE SWINE!: A goldmine of "Pearls Before Swine" (Stephan Pastis).
LITTLE LOO LIBRARY: Best choice of bathroom books going!
FREQUENT FLYERS & FLUBBERS: For those who need to know how to live in planes and airports without really trying.
USEFUL UNCYCLOPEDIA: For those who love collecting non-existent non-entities that never made it into any big book.
WHIMSICAL WORKS: Whimisical works by a fellow Canuck!
WANNA DRAW STICK-FIGURES?: For those who like drawing laugh lines!
A BATTY BIRD'S BIO: Rollicking resume of a ripsnorting royal.
OFFICE PRANKS: Recommended by Princess Prank and Prince Puck.
HILARITY HEADQUARTERS: Laughter-provoking lenses for your enjoyment.
FREELANCE FUNNY FELINE!: When it comes to spoofs and silliness, Angie Brennan's the place to visit!
100 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW LAST YEAR: Ooh la la, the Pope's been known to wear red Prada shoes!!
DESIGN YOUR OWN "DEMOTIVATIONAL" POSTER!: Bound to bring you out of the blahs!
MEDIA BLIPS HAPPEN: Whoops, we regret the error...the faux-pas, the mistake...or whatever.
TOP 10 HOAXES FOR 2006: What's a little hocus-pocus?
POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET: Definitely not the Oxford or Webster edition.
MAY CONTAIN NUTS: A very weird news source site.
BLOG NESS MONSTER: A blog with a very funny title...and more!
MONEYBAGS & MIRTH: Fun things to do from a "retired" millionaire.
PROCRASTINATION-DESTINATION: Where all those perky procrastinators hang out!
DROLL DICTIONARIES: Time to lighten up, after all, where would the world be without wonky wordpeckers.
HOROSCOPE HIJINKS: Get a great big giggle when you visit this lens to find out more about humor in the high heavens!
THREE FAMOUS COMMAS: For those who hate punctuation!
FOR KNOW-IT-ALLS ONLY: Great for your next office party. Here's a list of 33 names of things you never knew had names.
STUFF I WISH EXISTED: A wishful-thinking way-out spot!
FUNNY PLACE NAMES: Oh The Places You Can Go...if you like Leading Tickles, Happy Adventure, and Lark Harbour, among others.
WANT SOME ALIEN-ABDUCTION INSURANCE?: You mean there's a company that offers a policy against "alien abduction", "celebration interruptus" and "immaculate conception"?
NOVELTY NOTES ANYONE?: Hmmm...some very curious calling cards for cockamamie characters!
PLAY.COM: A great place to go if you'd like a book called "Cram Me With Eels" and "Ask the Fruitcake Lady" or can't wait to see "1001 Stupid Sports Quotes"!
GARGOYLES: Grinning gargoyles are great for guarding the family garbage can from alien animals or as an entertaining centerpiece at a posh dinner party.
FUNNY NAMES FOLIO: A little lens for those interested in funny proper names.
FIRED FUNNYBONES: The humorous side of being axed, fired, or laid-off.
BOOKCOVERS GONE BONKERS: Welcome to the world of curious covers and delightful dust-jackets.
DOLLY MAMAS: For those with a fanciful feline sense of humor.
ODD JOB CLUB: A new kind of gathering place that connects odd jobs with odd people.
MIRTH MEDICINE: Have you had your mirth meds today? If not, then do drop by Laughrat.com where there are lots of gifts for dysFUNctional people!

GIGGLES WITH YOUR GRUB

The Great Big Giggle Guide is pleased to inform puckish patrons of two great spots to enjoy some giggles with your grub.

If ever you're in the Victoria (capital of British Columbia perched far out on the west cosat of Canada)...and home to lots of flakes, nuts and fruitcakes, be sure to pick up some tickets for a posh plateful of pranks hosted by the folks at "Play With Your Food".

It's guaranteed to ward off doubt and depression (or what Ambrose Bierce, author of "The Devil's Dictionary" referred to as "a state of mind produced by a newspaper joke, a minstrel performance, or the contemplation of another's success."

And, on the other side of the pond in Vancouver, (where everyone sprints about in shorts and sneakers during the 364-day rainy season), do drop by another anti-depressant dandy dining experience with "The Giggle Dam Dinner Theatre".

It's where all amusing aardvarks and Alice-in-Wonderlands in town end up on a Saturday night when it's too damned dreary to go out jogging with a halitosis hound named "Atilla the Hun" and a gerbil affectionately known as "Gadfly".

And remember, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you're going on a low-fat, low-carb, low-calorie dessert diet.!"

________

And for those titillating testimonials of "Play With Your Food", vist -- Play With Your Food. See those ripsnorting reviews of The Giggle Dam Dinner Theatre

THE WHOLE BALL OF WAX ON BALDERDASH

"Stuff and Nonsense" has a prestigious place in the World of Wit and Wonk.

A recent report by Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the Creative Loafing Institute), indicates that there were no less than 806,000 web pages devoted to "balderdash", (a word meaning any form of speech or writing considered to be nonsensical or trivial in nature).

It's a pity that "balderdash" is a noun of unknown origin, (although apparently it found favor with fiddle-faddle folk in the early 16th century). Frankly, being an orphaned orthographic oddity, is probably not much fun, unless one considers just how many uses one can find for this word.

There's a board-game and a game-show by the same name, not to mention a BBC television series entitled "Balderdash & Piffle" highlighting all manner of hilarious hokum associated with hunting for the origin of a lost lexicon.

A sample of boffo books available on the scintillating subject of balderdash include:

-- Balderdash by Edward T. Hering
-- Balderdash! by Jerry Warshaw
-- Balderdash Ballads by J.R. Monsell
-- Balderdash Game by Tsr Staff
-- Boom, Cash & Balderdash - A Different Look at Fairbanks During Pipeline Construction by Jerry Fears
-- Mostly Balderdash by Don Harvey
-- Politics, Barbecues & Balderdash by John Cole
-- The Varieties of Balderdash by Neil Postman
-- Verities & Balderdash (Sheet Music Book) by Harry Chapin

And, it's quite amazing the number of books that have been called "all balderdash", "bottomed balderdash", "clinical balderdash", "critical balderdash", "dangerous balderdash", "full of balderdash", "generally balderdash", "moralistic balderdash", "'New Age' balderdash", "political balderdash", "pure balderdash", "ridiculous balderdash", "sheer balderdash", "sociable balderdash", "spheroids of balderdash", "unmitigated balderdash, "utter balderdash" not to mention "water faucet balderdash".

Now the only question left is, what's the difference between "balderdash" and baloney, a bill of goods, blather, bull, bunk, bunkum, codswallop, claptrap, drivel, flapdoodle, gibberish, gobbledygook, hot air, hocus-pocus, hogwash, hokum, hooey, malarkey, mumbo-jumbo, piffle, poppycock, poppylarky, prattle, a snow job, tripe, and twaddle?

LIFE LESSON #142: BEWARE OF BABBLING BUFFOONS WHO WALK WITH BIG BOOKS UNDER THEIR ARMS

WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE WITHOUT SILLY PUTTY?

Silly Putty Strikes Again!

"Silly Putty", it's the eighth wonder of the world according to my book of bright ideas to botch up a boring day!

Invented more than 50 years ago, by a very slack scientist sitting at a lab bench somewhere in America wondering what to do with his spare time besides mixing sticky and smelly stuff all day long.

Since 1950, about 4,500 tons of the glee-filled goo has been created, equivalent to 300 million colorful plastic eggs been shipped out to munchkins since 1950. Isn't that truly amazing? Okay, so it doesn't impress engineers who think that "duct tape" is the best thing since sliced bread, ...frankly, who cares!

So if you're bored out of your gourd and need a bit of razzle-dazzle in your life, visit a local toy store and pick up one of those 200,000 Silly Putty eggs that are produced each day by the automated production line in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. (Word has it the best workers were hired from Santa's Elf Workshop at the North Pole).

For those who do not intend to grow up any time soon, and certainly haven't got a hope in heck of graduating from a fancy schmancy university in this lifetime, you can still be a somebody! In no time flat, with no experience necessary, you can earn your "Master of Silly Putty" Degree, (suitable for framing) from "Silly Putty University". Gadzooks, won't your family, friends, and frigging boss be impressed with your tantalizing talents!!

__________

Note see links above for more details about "Silly Putty"...and why people play with it!

HOW TO DROODLE

If you can't draw worth a doodle, you're in luck!

Every day there are far too many folks who bored out of their gourds twiddling their thumbs, counting their toes, and wiggling their ears.

If you're one of them, have we got a surprise for you.

"Droodling" -- yup, the next best thing for stress relief, and a quick solution to heartburn, an upset tummy, and general overall discombulation (better known as 'ennui').

Better than doodling, droodling combines the art of scribbling with the science of scratching one's head.

Invented in the 1950s by a fellow named Roger Price, an educational book publisher, droodles were tapped into two important ingredients for success, the imagination and the pocketbook.

For a peek at a dazzling array of droodles, including the most famous one, "Boat Arriving Too Late to Save a Drowning Witch" visit www.Droodles.com (see above in the link list).

So get out your pencil and paper, put on your thinking cap or dunce cap (whichever sparks a bright idea with a dumb caption)...and you've got the makings of a diddle of a riddle.

And may the Force of Fun & Tomfoolery be with you forever more!

GIGGLE GAGLINES GENERATOR

Give yourself the gift of gaffaw!

There's something to be said for advertising. Yup, those titillating taglines that grab your eyeballs, whisper sweet nothings in your ears, or just tickle your funnybone if

After all, it's what used to package things we might not buy if it weren't for the offer of a "sweet treat" that's low in carbs or calorie-free, tastes yummy, and definitely won't rot one's teeth. "Sweet dreams" on the other hand come with a money-back guarantee and can be had for just three easy payments of $49.59 plus shipping and handling. And you guessed it, "sweet nothings" are free!

Ever think what might happen if a rogue ray of repartee managed to find it's way into the merry mind and delightful digits of a creative copyrighter? So let's see what the Giggle Gaglines Generator might suggest for the following new products on the market:

"Ewe" never know until you try Sheep Island Fuels!

Make Every "Booby-Hatch" Count!

Nothing Sucks Like "Confusion"!

Two Hours of "Itty-Bitty" In Just Two Calories!

It Makes Your "Snookums" Smack!

Grab Life By The "Klutz"!

Don't Leave Home Without "Whippersnapper"!

So the next time you're trying to figure out who would by a pair of red nose cones, and what stupid slogans could you come up with to flog the frigging things, why not visit the Surrealist Advertising Slogan Generator online!

__________

(NOTE: See the "NUTTY NAMES NOOK" link above for this curious corner of amusement).

IT'S SILLY SONG DAY!

If you're feeling bored out of your gourd at work, a tad tired of hugging trees all year long as your charitable-giving contribution, and "Waiting for Godot" doesn't really turn your crank, no need to fret! Just hold your horses, 'cause we've got a surprise for you!

It's "Silly Song Day"! Time to organize a smashing shindig in honor of the silliest songs ever written.

So strap on your spurs, hail a hobbyhorse, and let's enjoy a bit of high-spirited high-jinks!

First, tap into your memory bank of mirth-inspired melodies.

Second, gather your buddies from the cube farm or rabbit warren.

Third, order some merry munchies and lollygagging libations.

For best results, invite the low-profile leisure-challenged to participate by giving them a starring-role in a "humor hum-along". And don't forget to include the off-key oddballs. They can bring along their tin-whistles or kazoos to drown out the blinking brigade of boisterous balladeers sitting around the corporate campfire.

To get things started, here are a few funky favorites:

Alley Oop - The Hollywood Argyles

Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor - Lonnie Donnegan

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow - Frank Zappa

Don't Let that Doorknob Hit You - Norma Jean

Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life - Bobby Bare

Fax Me a Beer - Hank Williams Jr.

High Hopes (The Rubber Tree Plant Song and Hollywood movie score for "A Hole in the Head") - Jimmy Van Heusen & Sammy Cahn

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah - Allen Sherman

I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change - Monty Python's Spamalot

Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini - Brian Hyland

Kissing With Confidence - Carly Simon

May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose - Little Jimmy Dickens

Monster Mash - Bobby "Boris" Pickett & the Crypt-Kickers

Muskrat Love - The Captain & Tennille

My Boomerang Won't Come Back - Charlie Drake

My Ding-a-ling - Chuck Berry

The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late) - The Chipmunks

The Purple People Eater - Sheb Wooley

Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport - Rolf Harris

Tip Toe Thru the Tulips With Me - Tiny Tim

What's New Pussycat? - Tom Jones

Witch Doctor - David Seville

You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd - Roger Miller

COMICAL CURSING 101

In today's politically-correct environment, it's vital to use jest-in-time technology judiciously.

That way, one avoids getting putting a foot in one's mouth or dipping one's big toe into hot water.

With the help of giggle glossarists all over the globe, who have toiled tirelessly to compile a long list of lovely little coined curse words to use when in a pickle or a pinch.

Fret not. Next time you're at a loss for a politically-correct substitute for the "f" word in mixed company, why not try on the following fictional expletives for size.

1. billions of blistering blue barnacles - if it was good enough for Captain Haddock from The Adventures of Tintin to use with anyone he didn't like, it should be good enough for you!

e.g. "I don't know what the blue blazes you thought you were doing! May billions of blistering blue barnacles befall your big toe!"

2. Theta Class Lifeform - if it charmed the pants off the folks from "Battlestar Galactica", it should do wonders for you!

e.g. "So what Theta Class Lifeform do we have running the show today?"

3. Doorknob and Donut - descriptive of those who are ignorant of the rules, not to be consused with "dimwit", a person who cannot fight his/her way out of a paper bag

e.g. "I have to admit, I've never met a Doorknob or a Donut I didn't like; but that doesn't mean I'd want them on my team if they can't play pattycakes properly!"

__________

For more boisterous blasphemery, please consult the LIPPY LINGO link list above that will undoubtedly meet the needs of all those loose-tongue lollygaggers wherever they be.

DAZZLING DIVERSIONS DAY

Yup it's another "Dazzling Diversions Day"!

Time to celebrate a whack of wacky things to do to give yourself a mental health break besides flossing your teeth with the latest astrophysical string theory on how the universe began!

1. Hold a Lost Sock or Lost Tuque Party -- everyone is invited to bring a missing piece of hosiery or haberdashery in the hopes of finding a play mate or a cheap date.

2. Hot Air Appreciation Day -- Time to blow bubbles, or if you're feeling really keen to launch a few trial balloons!

3. Red Nose & Antler Awareness -- What an wonderful dress-up occasion to honor those randy reindeer who haul around a sleigh filled with goodies and a sybaritic soul in a spandex red suit.

4. Tickle Me Pink Day -- Why it's tacky t-shirt day...just in time before those annual performance evaluations.

5. Jingles & Joy -- For those who can't get enough of those quirky TV commercials and product jingles...now's your time to show off...do you remember the words?

_________

For more wacky things to do, please check BANISH BOREDOM above in the link list.

WHERE ARE YOU ON THE WORLD HAPPINESS MAP?

Happiness may be highly over-rated, since if one is an American, one is at the very least entitled to the pursuit of it.

On the other hand, there is no guarantee that one can actually find that ever elusive hunky-dory, ring-dingy, warm and fuzzy feeling associated with such a fleeting state of mind these days.

You it must be have been a slow year in the world of research if positive psychology professors in jolly old England came up with a scheme to make the first world map of happiness.

After interviewing 80,000 homo sapiens from 178 countries, the mortar boards were able to compile a brilliant new boisterous barometer of well-being.

For those with a keen interest in knowing where they and their munchkin marvels are on the mirth map, do visit the lollgagging lovelies at the University of Leicester, home of the happiness hunters.

It is interesting to note that of the top ten happiness countries, 70 percent are from cold climate countries. Clearly, giving someone the "cold shoulder" is "cold comfort" for those living in world's hot spots.

So if one is a Canuck, one is in luck. These eager little beavers enjoy a smiling spot at number 10. (Note: Perhaps it's the presence of Santa Claus surrounded by elves and a red-nosed reindeer named Rudolph all jumping down at the North Pole, that skewed the results in favor of the Northern Hemisphere happy homo sapiens...who knows.)

Homo sapiens from the USA, ranked number 23, followed by Germany at 35, the UK at 41, France at 62, while the least happy resided in Africa.

So smile and be happy...because who knows when those survey folks will be knocking on your door to know if you're full of beans and tickled pink with life!

__________

NOTE: For more information about the mirth map, plase contact the University Leicester Press Office: email: pressoffice@le.ac.uk

JOHN CLEESE CLASSIC - "DEAD PARROT" SKIT

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ENTERTAINING EPHEMERA

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5 Things To Do When You Can't Sleep

Okay, so who says you need 7 hours of shut-eye anyway?

Quit tossing and turning, counting those crazy sheep, or pacing the frigging floor! Do something completely wild and whacky for a change!!

Imagine what an alien from outer space might say if it saw you in your birthday suit. (C'mon...it's not all that difficult is it?)
Sing your favorite nursery rhyme ten times. (This will take at least five minutes, provided of course you can remember the words).
Write a letter to the first person who demoted, fired, or laid you off telling them what lesson you've learned from this wonderful encounter with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. (Remember, who knows when you may run into this soul again...at a retirement roast, at the supermarket, or at the Pearly Gates for St. Peter's sake.)
Okay Twinkle Toes, it's time to put your dancing shoes on...oh alright your slippers. (Yup, God loves fragile folks with two left feet, so pick out your favorite fancy footwork tune...and let loose!)
Now that you've exercised your fingers and feet, it's time to wiggle different parts of your hot bod! (Yup, you've got a 10 minute workout designed to wiggle your ears and nose, flap your gums, and raise your eyebrows ...great stuff for a low-impact lollygagger like you.)

ENTERTAINING EPHEMERA

Eat your heart out!

"...the ship that comes outta that girl's mouth!!!" by Surly Bratt

A bite-sized boat?

A Tree Troll!

Ripsnorting Roots!

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RUDOLOPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER LIKES "RIBET RED"!

Weird Wines for Warm-Hearted Wunderkins

It's that time of year again when Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer publishes his list of libations for loose-tongued leprechauns and lollygagging lushes at Christmas:

As a matter of fact, he can't wait to sample a selection of the following giggling grapes, especially "Ribet Red":

-- Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red - Cabernet Sauvignon + Merlot (France)
-- Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush (New Zealand)
-- Elephant on a Tightrope (France)
-- Holus-Bolus 2003 (USA)
-- Le Freak Shiraz Vignier (France)
-- Macho Nacho (Argentina)
-- Mad Dogs And Englishmen (Spain)
-- Menage a Trois California White (USA)
-- Red Rock Underarm (New Zealand)
-- Swagman's Kiss (Australia)
-- Ten Minutes By Tractor (Australia)
-- Two Buck Chuck (USA)
-- Two Left Feet (Canada)
-- Wrongo Dongo (France)

For those with a fascination for wacky wine names and labels...check out the lovely link above by the same name.

And for those who need an introduction to the world of withering on the vine...why not pick up a terrific little tome entitled "Red, White & Drunk All Over" by Natalie MacLean -- it's sure to be a tongue-in-cheek page-turner!

(A bit of tawdry trivia - The Ozzies quaff 37 bottles of wine annually per person, compared to half that for North Americans who generally prefer soft drinks and bubbly beer to keep their bodacious bellies in shape.)

Christmas is coming...the geese are getting fat...

Ho-Ho-Ho ...what are you looking at!

It's that politically-correct time of year again, so get out your credit cards, debit cards, cheque books ...and let the great giggle gift-giving begin!

Santa Joy Mousepad

from Bride T-shirts, Baby T-shirts, Personalized Gifts

Have you seen my joy-stick?

Price: 14.99

3 French Hens Tote Bag

from Just4yucks.com

Just what every ho-ho-ho holiday hen party needs!

Price: 15.99

No Spare Santa Mug

from Santa-T: All Santa, All Year.

Look, we've got no room for a red-nosed rum-running reindeer on this team!

Price: 11.99

Hanukkah Reindeer ~ Mini Poster Print

from WearaTshirt.com

I think we've got everything covered don't you?

Price: 14.99

from

Nothing like being a Gnome Alone at Christmas, especially when there's no room for you even in the doghouse!

Price: 0.00

SO YOU THINK SANTA LIVES AT THE NORTH POLE?

Give your head a shake!

Everyone knows that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.

It has to be true. Every year kids and grown-ups send their wish lists there via email, snail mail, or courier companies with an overnight delivery guarantee.

The only hitch is that there's only one North Pole in the world, (and it's not even situated in the Land of the Stars and Stripes).

To overcome this geographic glitch, Americans came up with ...you guessed it ...a very long list of "North Poles". Heaven forbid, we don't want all that precious mail destined for the glee-conscious guy to go missing. And, we sure as heck don't want to upset the biggest Kris Kringle ka-ching season on record.

If you're worried about whether Santa will receive your request for a new digital doodad or a frilly bit of frippery, fear not. Rest assured, there are many places to drop off your note to that fetching fellow at the North Pole:

-- North Pole (a pretty posh place in Alaska where www.SantaClausHouse.com lives)
-- North Pole Knob (a sweet little summit in Newton County, Arkansas)
-- North Pole Mine (a spunky site if ever there was one in Gunnison County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Peak (a marvelous mountain top in San Miguel County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Lake (a ripsnorting reservoir in Blaine County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (another smashing summit in Idaho County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (a populated place of pandemonium in Idaho naturally)
-- North Pole Mound (a warm wee hill in Elk County, Kansas)
-- North Pole Creek (a wonderful winding waterway in Broadwater County, Montana)
-- North Pole Tunnel (a misbegotten mine in Lincoln County, Nevada)
-- North Pole (a populated poppycock place in Essex County, New York)
-- North Pole (a stupendous summit in Clinton County, New York)
-- North Pole Road Bridge (okay, if you're really that desperate to see one in Brown County, Ohio)
-- North Pole Mine (yup another one in Baker County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Creek (try doing the breast stroke in it next time you visit Deschutes County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Ridge (a big hit with trailblazers seeking Santa in Sherman County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Spring (a great place for a civil war picnic in Custer County, South Dakota)
-- North Pole Gulf (a vapid valley in Rhea County, Tennessee)
-- North Pole Canyon (a valley of full of Ebenezer Scrooges in Dickens County, Texas)
-- North Pole Pass (a grand gap in logic found in Duchesne, Utah)

Wanna see more places, visit www.placenames.com.